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Being attentive VS Self-absorption
A two-month-old baby who detects his mother approaching will instinctively become still, quiet his breathing a bit, turn toward her, and look at her face, focus on her eyes or mouth, and orient his...
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Attunement
Attunement is attention that goes beyond momentary empathy to a full, sustained presence that facilitate rapport. We offer a person our total attention and listen fully. We seek to understand the other...
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I-You interaction
As the Austrian-born Buber described it in his 1937 book on a philosophy of relationships, I-You (or “I and Thou,” as the phrase entered American popular culture) is a special bond, an attuned...
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I-It interaction
As the philosopher Martine Buber called it. In I-It interaction, Buber wrote, one person has no attunement to the other’s subjective reality, feels no real empathy for the other person. The lack of...
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Love’s Major Expressions
In the terrain of the human heart, scientists tell us, at least three independent but interrelated brain systems are at play. All moving us in their own way. To untangle love’s mysteries, neuroscience...
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The Goal of Attunement
Consider a beautiful and independent young lawyer whose fiance, a writer, worked at home. Whenever she came home, the fiance would drop whatever he was doing and hover around her. One evening as she...
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Feeling Felt
Shortly after Takeo Doi, a Japanese psychiatrist, arrived on his first visit to America, he had an awkward moment. He was visiting the home of someone to whom he had just been introduced, and his host...
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“Getting to know you” at the neural level
At the neural level, my “getting to know you: means my acquiring a resonance with your emotional patterns and mental maps. And the more our maps overlap, the more identified we feel and the greater the...
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A secure base
The British psychoanalyst John Bowlby identified a healthy attachment to parents as the crucial ingredient in a child’s well-being. When parents act with empathy and are responsive to a child’s needs,...
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